Has someone ever demanded an apology from you? Have you demanded
one from someone else? Have you refused to forgive someone?
I am willing to bet you have experienced all three. You’re
not alone. But, the way most of us think about apologies and forgiveness is
wrong.
Apologies and forgiveness are not for the person receiving
them, they are for the one issuing them. How can this be so when your
experience indicates that it feels good to receive an apology, and that it
feels especially good, to your guilty conscience, to be forgiven? The
problem is the narrative that for you to feel better, someone else must do
something. Since the actions of others are outside of your control, this sets you
up for conflict and unnecessary suffering.
When a transgression occurs, it cannot un-occur. Something
happened, someone got hurt. Both parties feel bad, but for different reasons.
If the transgressor feels guilty or ashamed, they may tell themselves they
cannot shed these negative emotions until they are forgiven. Depending on the
nature and magnitude of the transgression, they could be waiting a long while.
Conversely, the hurt party may feel justified in carrying anger and resentment
until they hear the almighty, “I’m sorry.” Until then, they shall keep their
assailant locked securely in a shame cage. This strategy perpetuates suffering
for both.
Worse yet, if someone believes they are entitled to an apology,
and goes so far as to demand one, they will either receive a begrudgingly
insincere version, or none at all. They have layered on the egocentric accelerant
of pride to the smouldering conflict.
How do you avoid unnecessarily prolonging the pain in these
situations? First, accept that no matter what you think, say, or do, you do not
control the perceptions or responses of others. I cannot emphasize this point
enough. Do not make your feelings contingent upon what another person says or
does. This is much harder to enact than it sounds, but is a crucial step toward
overall well-being, as you navigate relationships.
An apology means taking responsibility for your actions and their
outcomes. Everything you do potentially impacts others, intentionally or not. You
must be aware of and accept this. By owning your actions, you can sincerely
issue the, “I’m sorry,” which is an empathic expression of regret. Apologizing,
when you haven’t taken responsibility or don’t feel the other party is
justifiably hurt, is no apology at all. It is an insincere placation meant to protect
your own ego. Finally, by insightfully learning from your experiences, the
apology will naturally extend to thoughts of how to prevent this outcome from
happening again.
This is a constructive and positive approach. You cannot
change what happened, nor should you dwell on its negative impact. Instead you
should own it and turn your sights to bettering the future. This approach does
not, however, guarantee a positive response from your counterpart. How should
they respond?
When someone wrongs you, the best response is to forgive
them as soon as possible. Do not mire yourself in how things could or should
have gone differently. It’s done! You certainly should not wait for an apology,
let alone demand one. How self-indulgent that would be. Instead, take stock of
what happened and how this might change the course of the future relationship with
this person. Consider intent, magnitude of the damage, and the relationship’s
relative importance. Interestingly it seems most difficult to forgive those
closest. Higher stakes, I suppose.
Nevertheless, as with our apologizer, you ought to be
future-oriented. Move on from this event, with or without an apology in hand. This
allows ridding yourself of unnecessary negative emotions. This is so even for
the most minor transgressions. Through forgiveness, you give yourself permission
to move on. The result of this choice liberates you to stay present, inwardly
unscathed, outwardly strong and accepting. This choice, however, will come neither
easily nor naturally. Reciprocity is the default when harmed, but it can be
overcome.
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you find yourself
on either end of an incident where an apology or forgiveness are on order. Given
the complexities of our relationships with others, it won’t be long!
Be well.